I forgot to mention in my last entry that the day the schools were closed, kids in my village threw rocks at me. I don’t know if it was because of the strike or because I refused to give them $$ when they begged. I am so over the children in this country.

Last week, I helped some other PCVs lay a concrete floor, part of an extension for a preschool. Soon walls will go up for the dining hall and kitchen, but then more fundraising will need to happen to get materials for a roof. We had to mix concrete by hand; using shovels to turn sand, rocks, concrete powder, and water. I was allowed to do it for about 5 minutes before I was relegated to the position of hose girl. Later I proved my worth by filling wheelbarrows with sand and rocks, and carrying 100-pound bags of concrete powder. Go, me.

Most of my projects have failed due to the strike and/or due to lack of interest. People here are not motivated, and I just give up. The PCVs in my district still have "secret" gatherings to which I'm not invited; the cliqueyness is unbearable. PC has rejected every plan or offer I have made to do things and be involved in PC affairs in this country. I’m tired of the people at the DHT watching my every move, demanding to know where I’m going when it’s simply to the end of the hall to use the toilet. They’re not at all helpful; I remain an unwanted burden (extra work) to them. My counterpart has started to become argumentative and passive-aggressive again. I think it has to do with the new PCV Bobonong is getting (and we DO NOT need another volunteer! There’s nothing to do for the 2 of us already here!) I’m biding my time here. Additionally, I’m depressed about a personal issue and having trouble coping. I just want to come home.

*****

The things keeping me here are:

2. My friend purchased an expensive plane ticket to visit me.

3. The fear of being/feeling a failure (again), which I’m pretty sure will happen if I resign. (Even though I feel like a failure here anyway.)

4. The PC office would probably never hire me in the future if my file showed that I resigned; if I decided that was still something I wanted to do. (It was my goal after being a PCV.)

5. The loss of half the readjustment allowance. Since I gave up everything to be here – my city, my friends and relationships, my furniture and belongings – that $$ was going to be useful, and it’s a waste to sacrifice half of what I would otherwise have to start over.

6. The fact that I made a commitment, and I prefer to honor my commitments. Or, that I’m just stubborn.

7. Wanting to go back to Namibia and Vic Falls, to “complete” my travels. A stupid reason, I know, but something I obviously think about enough to include in my list here.

The things I have to go back to:

2. Looking for a new apartment and getting new stuff, with little $$. Probably couch-surfing, but with whom? I think I’ve worn out my welcome with most people.

3. Looking for a (theatre) job, even though I’ve been out of the biz for 3.5 years. Would anyone hire me? More specifically, would anyone in NYC who pays a living wage hire me? (Or should I look at working in yoga? Or scuba, getting my divemaster?)

4. Would my friends still be my friends? I mean, the vast majority, who either haven’t talked to me since I left theatre, or who stopped communicating when I came to Africa?

5. Seeing the few people who have kept in touch and who really do love me. I actually need you guys!

6. Would I really be happier if I went home? Or would I still be down?

So, I know that Riggses don’t have problems. We’re strong and independent and do shit our way, and my/our way is the right way. We/I don’t need help, we’re just fine on our own. ….

I guess I need some advice and support here. I feel very alone and very lonely. I don’t know if anyone reads this other than my family, but if friends do, please email me and tell me your thoughts. Failure? Wasting my time here? Stick it out for the $$? Just stay here cuz no one misses me anyway? … ???